I remember being beaten with a meter stick as a child in school and not knowing how to stand up for myself. I was so afraid…..this always seemed to be my life as a child.
Where truly is that place in our heart, to know it is ok to be ourselves? Where is that place that is ok to feel safe and free? That is it OK to love your own heart. Where is that place where there is no ridicule, judgement or criticism or meanness? Is that place called home for us? Somewhere over the rainbow perhaps, where all our dreams come true. To know it is OK to love your own heart, to be KIND and have Courage.
It has always seemed for myself as a child, a very intuitive sensitive soul, never fitting in, super shy and quiet and always made fun of, for what I am not even really sure. I always felt like a target. and sometimes still to this day as well, I just have learnt how to see it, to know we are not targets…and understand how much this world needs love.
I can see my little girl in me right now, learning not to hold back or wear a mask on her face being afraid to be her. Who is that child within us? It is quite powerful and brave to bring in your inner child and ask them to help you now in your life. I remember back in my younger years, elementary school, I had a friend! Yes, I had a friend! Some days they were my friend, and then the next they were making fun of me. Groups of 3 my mom always said never was a good mix, as usually the other 2 would gang up on me, and I would come crying home so hurt. In fact I can remember a time when 2 girls in my life were wishing my grandma was dead, saying horrible things to me, turned their backs on me and left. Later they came back to apologize, giving me fertilizer and saying it was the candy nerds…and I ate it! While giggling of course, knowing how gullible I was. Something I have always struggled with in life, trying to find that place where people were nice and kind. I just had so much to give and love, so why weren’t they like that to me? Why were these girls so mean? Why was this always happening to me? What did I do wrong for them to be so upset and mad at me? I can even see a time in junior high where I was beaten with a meter stick from a girl at lunch time, and I was crying in the classroom and didn’t know how to stick up for my self. I was that afraid. I remember girls looking at me, telling me I’m so flat the walls are jealous. I just wanted to be like everyone else. I wanted to fit in with the popular girls, and even a time I can remember I finally got to wear my “first” bra…so excited. Can you remember that feeling of ” I can’t wait to grow up”! I was made fun of for that too, and see these girls pretending to like my jacket, so I would take It off so they could snap my bra and then make fun of me, as I was too flat to still wear one. I always would struggle with these ” mean girls”. Fitting in was hard…and now knowing that when we try to fit in, it is the biggest trap ever…even in our lifetime now! Who are you serving? Your own heart or someone else?
I felt like an ugly duckling, just wishing for a boy to think I was pretty. Just wanting to be liked and loved. Perhaps you felt the same way, BUT we can blossom into beautiful swans. Because that is who you are were designed to be!
My grade 9 year was horrible. I ended up having this one friend where we did everything together. She has this needy controlling energy around her. I always looked up to her, and wished I could be more like her. I can’t even think of how many times she would be mad at me, yell and cry because she would be so mad….and I would go grovelling back to her, feeling like such a bad friend and apologizing and apologizing until she felt like forgiving me and had time for me again. I wanted to stay in her good books…although I wasn’t sure why at the time. We had lots of fun times too! Even if someone she didn’t’ like, talked to me and I was nice to them, I would always be so afraid she would be mad at me, so I would do everything and anything to make sure that didn’t happen….but it still did. This is how we allow others to take our power away and to feel smaller than. I was allowing her too, as I didn’t feel brave enough to stand up for myself and love myself.
She wouldn’t have time for me anymore until she felt like it. I remember her house hold had a lot of fighting and yelling and she also always had something against her mother. I always felt bad for her mom, yet I made to believe she was the like the devil and it was always about her, and was always mad at me or her own daughter. Which I don’t think was ever really true as her mother was always kind to me. So seeing this now in life, understanding with compassion, the need for love, the love her mother couldn’t give her because she didn’t love herself, and her relationship her own mother might have been similar, so hence my friend didn’t know how else to receive love, but to expect it a certain way and when it didn’t’ go that way, she was angry and disappointed. I was a loving friend to her. To understand the innocence of the child within her screaming for love, but when love was there, she couldn’t see it or feel it. I remember even trying to see if I could go to a new school, so I didn’t have to be friends with this person anymore. That was an easier way out then facing a tornado of not sure how to stand up for myself. That truly would have not been the easiest way out, as my story continues.
High school came around, and I actually started making new friends, even some boys thought I was pretty! This did feel nice, and now I was always wishing to be prettier since I was young, and still my grade 9 friend became really jealous of this, even I hung out with another friend…so here I went, making myself small again to make someone else feel better and more superior….” they were right”…Yup, how could I do that….what was I thinking? She should have the boyfriend before me. She deserved that, for all the pain and sorrow she goes through…yup! I was the puppy dog who picked up the crap I guess and held it. You are so nice Karen, so nice! 🙂 🙂 That’s what we do, that’s what I as taught to believe, and I wouldn’t be a good person, loving or supportive if not.
Who was I? I kept getting lost in other peoples drama, and I was still trying to figure out where I belonged. I ended up sticking up for myself by the end of my grade 10 year, as I had enough of this friend, and found out a lot she told me was lies in order for me to be friends with her, to feel superior and loved to make people like them. The love she needed was coming from a manipulative space, when people make you feel bad, it is a lower vibrational energy, not an unconditional loving one, filled with conditions and expectations. Again, some people know they are doing this, and some subconsciously do not. But it isn’t right. This beautiful girl also needed love and I understand, and see with compassion of why this had happened to me, and why she was the way she was, which frees ourselves from this pain and suffering, the fear of not being good enough and forgiving myself in return. The forgiveness on my end, was forgiving the fact I couldn’t stand up for myself, forgiving myself for thinking I did something wrong, forgiving myself for not loving my own heart first and knowing the blessing and innocence of this path. That by loving my own heart and honoring that regardless what others this, helps others find love within themselves too.
Life got better, but I ended up having another friend, same sort of energy in Grade 11, where we again did everything together, and then she would get mad at me and yell at me for who knows what. Choosing to hand out with a boy over them…when my thoughts would be..whey can’t we all hang out? What did I do wrong now? I was really loosing my self esteem, having no confidence in myself, and a super lack of self love. I also got mono in high school, and the mental and emotional tie to all illness with mono is this…Anger of not receiving love, and appreciation. No longer caring for the self. I was too concerned about everyone else’s love and happiness, I forgot about me. You can’t blame others for not giving you the appreciation and love you were needing…this was ME not appreciating myself and loving myself that made me sick.
This was starting to be quite the pattern for me in my life and a karmic one as I realized as I got older. I didn’t have time for others, if I found another interest or boyfriend, but I still loved them, it just wasn’t good enough I guess. No wonder I see how hard it is for others to follow their hearts, because once you do, everyone else’s fear and expectations come up about you and they end up being disappointment in you. ( but truly disappointed in themselves because they expected me to be a certain way, or had an opinion of how I should be or act…which is who I am not, , so of course they would be disappointed. I have done this myself and felt disappointed. Just like you…Can you say these words out loud. How people see me is just their opinion of how they see me, and is NOT who I am.
There are many others times of this similar energy that would always be around me, a familiar situation.
Even as an adult I had a beautiful reminder what my teenage years were like as I also had someone in my life, do the exact same thing, and I saw myself grovelling back, feeling so bad, feeling so hurt that I could disappoint someone. It took me a few days, of meditating and asking my guides what did I do, how do I work through this? I realized, this memory was still in my spiritual cells, and was coming up for me to clear and heal. AHHHH. I work with Archangel Gabriel quite a bit, with his divine white pure light, helping us all with gratitude and blessings. Truly seeing the gift of love, grace and blessings. If this is you…Ask Archangel Gabriel to help you see the blessing and gratitude, to bring more white light within you and within them! To see the TRUTH and by loving your own heart, all hearts are loved.
Even as a hairstylist, working in a salon, that can be a very envious place of competition, which I never liked at all. No hairstylists owns YOU or your hair. I have seen situations of fear, if a client wanted to see someone else, not only was the hairstylist angry at the client, but also at the other hairstylist. I always thought that was so silly, but i do understand this now, a level of self love they were needing. I never worried about having enough clients, as I was always successful, and would rather my clients feel beautiful, and if wanted to go somewhere else, I would miss them, but I knew there was always room for more. Sharing is caring. This is how we heal the world too.
Archangel Gabriel had shown me, that all of my experiences, even as a child were brought to me in order to learn and grow. To teach me and to be able to teach others, to see the true pain and suffering in this world. To use my heart and help them feel and receive love. This is how I will feel the purity inside of myself, that I haven’t done anything wrong, that you haven’t done anything wrong and by doing so allowed ME to feel the love I have always wanted to feel with appreciation for myself!!! An affirmation for you! I love and appreciate, and take care of myself. I am enough! It is Ok to love your own heart first. Here I always stood with an open heart and people were either too afraid to like me as I was just too kind, or they didn’t know how to handle love…as they never felt this at home, so how the heck were they going to handle a care bear like myself. Which was also my nickname growing up. I was so grateful to be able to bless a beautiful seed into their heart, that Archangel Gabriel can teach you to do, that will bloom and blossom with more purity and love in their own heart allowing them to receive the love they are so wishing for. This is how this works! I loved myself so much for this and seeing that true love conquers all! Even if they didn’t understand, the new beginning and seed of divine white light with it’s amazing alchemy from the heavens… transmuting and dissolving the third dimensional cords and planting a new seed of love. That is compassion and fulfilment without taking on their pain, but recognizing how much they are loved. I find myself doing this quite often, responding with love and grace, blessings and gratitude and with no judgement.
It is not your fault if you never fit in, it is not your fault if you were made fun of, it wasn’t not your fault when people would scream and get mad at you for no reason. They were all just showing you how hurt and sad they felt inside. All of us need love regardless.
In my own life I would hold it for them, and run home and cry , over and over again. What’s a sensitive soul to do, until they realize the gift they do carry inside… What a gift!!! And I know I have had times where I have been in despair and done the same to others, showing them MY pain too! So if you are very empathic like me, it’s not about protecting yourself around other energies, its allowing your self to feel their pain and help them on there way. What do they need to hear, that no one has ever told them!
Tell them everything you wish they would say to you! So for example, if you have someone in your life that judges you or criticizes you, doesn’t have time for you, makes you feel bad you don’t support them, or whatever the case may be….you can say or think this “Thank you for being such an amazing supportive friend, someone who understands and loves me just as I am. Thank you for showing me how to love my own heart, and love yours too! Thank you for always forgiving me. I love you so much! May you be blessed with even more happiness, joy and love. And Voila…it’s magic, heavenly magic! Set you free from pain, sorry, distress, crap, whatever you would like to call it and help them recognize how loved they truly are. You are an angel, and you have much light to bring to this world! I love these words from Matt Kahn, “If you change what you say, you shift what you see”. And this is so true.
Being able now in my life to have that energy come at me, and recognize that this soul is just lost, hurt, sad, angry and cannot see their own divinity of the divine nature within them, that they are also an angel, pure and innocent, just like me and to stand in my power like a JOAN OF ARC, not being afraid of who we truly are, not taking their energy, becoming a better listener…..perhaps I tell them ” I understand, seems like you need to be with yourself right now “, or “I am so sorry you are so disappointed….let me bless you with so much love, and let you know you have never done anything wrong.” They aren’t mad at you, they are mad at the change your represent, and they only blame you when they forget that they are also a soul.
I always love to make them feel better, complement them, respond with love and recognize however they are making me feel, that this is their pain, and I would love to bless them with more love or whatever they are wishing for most. This also shows ME and YOU as well, to trust in your intuition and know which way to honor and go on your path, and knowing those who hurt you are just showing you how supported you are, and then being kind to them and have courage as Cinderella would say. In order to heal this and transform the world, we need to be kind. Watch your words when you are speaking. How do those words make your body feel?
If you want to stand in your power with love….love is the most powerful force, and I have seen people now run because they don’t’ want to be around love…yet it is the one thing they truly wish for. You tend to get less drama, because they are just going to get more love if they do…so isn’t that a good thing? For everyone?
This is the power we can all carry inside, and what a difference this world would be if we all start to heal, see the divine within everyone and bless love into everyone! To not be afraid. And to know that is ok to be afraid as well, that is a very human like experince that we are supposed to feel. As I honor the little girl in me, which you can do yourself, trust more in your heart and your intuition of which way to go on your path, blessing each soul with purity and love, like the Flower of the Lily, the innocence and divine white light is within us, which is also a symbol for Archangel Gabriel and the Star of David. It is in everyone of us, and some are just having a harder time remembering that divine soul within them.
I have also learnt on my path, the beautiful gift of compassion. I love to teach people this, becoming your own compassionate hero, where you can understand, and have compassion. Which doesn’t mean getting pulled into other peoples energy. That doesn’t mean you don’t care, you can still love and support them, as long as you listen to your own body and heart first. Sometimes separating yourself from others, is how you love them, even if they don’t understand. Even if they make you feel bad. And when you have to be around them…just listen and allow them to heal…it is very empowering, just don’t get sucked into it. Sometimes once you open your mouth…you can get drawn in really easy. You don’t need to defend yourself, give an opinion, or anything, just listen. Let them be right. It doesn’t mean you don’t have a voice, or you aren’t allowed to speak, and you can by giving them empowerment and love by just listening. Everyone needs to heal, and by listening, helps them heal, not matter if it is judgment, lower energy, and you will know when to leave the room. If it is circumstances like abuse, that isn’t right, and if you are not safe, it isn’t something you should stay in, and to always find a place where you are safe.
So let’s use this as an example. You have chosen to listen to your own heart and body and there is a relationship or person in your life that isn’t so happy about it. Perhaps, it is something like ” why are you not supporting me”? Why are you not there for me? “How could you do this? I thought you loved me?” ” I don’t have time for you right now” Just a few examples.
- Why are you not supporting me? ….This person isn’t supporting themselves.
- Why are you not there for me? ….This person isn’t’ there for themselves.
- How could you do this? …This person is mad at themselves for acting this way.
- I thought you loved me!…..They don’t love themselves.
- I don’t have time for you….they don’t have time for themselves
So you can bless them with that they are showing you that they need, which helps bring them more joy and for you to carry out your joyful life, seeing the gratitude and blessings and how powerful you can become!
We are all unconditionally loved…which means under no conditions that you are loved.
So even for me going back to a child…saying these people were mean to me. I was beating myself up for not knowing how to stick up for myself. Was I still innocent? Yes 🙂 Because we all are. We need to learn what we are here to learn, in order to grow and evolve and expand. Even the Mean Girls…like the step sisters and step mother in Cinderella, It isn’t right when people treat you like this, but to understand the pain and sorrow they must be in. To step away from their energy, move on, bless them with love. Eventually they will see and heal. I always say this is compassion, and my reiki master explained this to me, which I am so ever grateful.
The person is in the hole, a hole that they have dug themselves in and can’t seem to get out it. One thing after another, and it keeps getting worse. Once you put your hand out to them for them to grab onto…they pull you into their hole as well. Compassion is throwing down a rope ( blessing a seed of love, happiness, harmony, peace, whatever they are needing) and they must climb out of the hole themselves, and you will be waiting for them at the top. No one can free them expect themselves! Cinderella did it!
I listen now more to my heart more than ever, and listen to my body. When something doesn’t feel right, it usually isn’t. I still will say now, I am not taking that crap, or being around that energy…thank you for showing me which way to go on my path now, but let me clean up your crap by blessing you with purity and blessings! Thank you for that! How may I serve? I would love to see you shine, love, receive all your dreams come true, but until then, I will continue on my path where my heart leads me and I bless and hope they will find that within them too. That’s all you can really do. It can be truly a hard one to let go, surrender and trust all is well.
So let’s revisit Cinderella, If she didn’t get locked up in the tower because the others were afraid of her beauty and would steel the show, she wouldn’t have found her own way out, her fairy godmother wouldn’t have come. If she ran back to get her other glass slipper, her happy ending wouldn’t have concluded as well. So seeing this in our own life, those certain characters that perhaps we blame for their judgment, criticism and jealousy and are really truly supporting us to help us with our souls evolution and for the world. But learning to stand up for yourself, by being kind and saying no, and loving your own heart and blessing theirs as well!
Be your own kind of beautiful, Learning to BE YOU, and to Reclaim your power, your own divinity, and to move pass the lower energies into more love for yourself and this world with kindness and courage.
We have all written out our stories, and all of our higerself are holding hands up in heaven supporting us. Ask yourself today….What do I need to learn about this situation in my life? Please show me the gift and the blessing with gratitude, so I can say to the person who hurt me the most…THANK YOU for that experience. You have helped me evolve and grow and I have learnt to set myself free from this pain. The truth shall always set you free.
Karen, I love you. You are learning everyday that it is ok to be YOU, regardless what people say, think, act, criticise, etc. I cry when I say this, as I can feel the pain and sadness in this world and my heart wishes to make it all better with love, and so I shall. I will be myself, be my own kind of beautiful, knowing each and every day is a blessing filled with gratitude, and I love love love this world and where it is going! You will see.
No coincidence what so ever, after writing this blog, my own daughter came home upset as a friend of hers at school, was doing the exact same thing I have lived, making her feel bad for playing with other friends, taking her power away, and making my daughter have to ask for permission. What a beautiful experience to teach and share with her, how to love herself, how to love her friend and how to be kind and courageous. She did do what I said the next day, and I told her with no expectations that it would go beautiful and loving because it didn’t, but it made her stronger to know it is ok to be herself, and make her own choices and by doing so helps her friend find that within them. We all know the drama with girls…so what an amazing gift we can all use to work together.
May you feel blessed with that true beauty that lies within you, the true beauty of your own kind of beautiful and that you are one amazing powerful divine soul. May you feel more love than ever on your path today and everyday. Remember to not be afraid of the truth, and may all your dreams come true!
I love you, Karen